Posted on July 01 2020
Ever had an epiphany? Something so slap-you-in-the-face raw and real and awakening that you wonder how you have gone on any other way? I had that epiphany last night, the cold, brutal slap-in-the-face that all my life I have felt unwanted. Right from conception.
I was a 'pill baby' as my mother would say to everyone (myself included), I was 'never supposed to happen.' She was done having kids, my brother and sister were 13 and 15 years older than me and my parents relationship had probably at that point reached it's boiling point and needed to be taken off the stove... but the universe had another plan in store. Another thing my mother would say is, 'you are my little blessing,' sounds cute - but one thing to understand with my mother is words, actions and intent are three very different things. While saying to me that I was blessing, she would use me as her emotional punching bag. Every time my Dad did something that annoyed her (regularly), she would say things like 'If he died, I'd kick him to his grave,' one line I would hear regularly was 'don't tell your father' (yes, I was set up to lie and this did affect me as I grew and reached adulthood). Everything that my mother experienced or felt, I wore, I was the person she vented to and I was the person she took her frustrations out on.
My mother made it abundantly clear that I was unwanted, right from the get go, in what she said and what she did. I then went into school... (see where this disaster is going now?) and isn't it strange that anytime someone didn't want to play with me, or be my friend, I felt... wait for it... unwanted. I felt like I wasn't good enough, for anyone. It would hurt my soul. I remember crying a lot as a child, crying because I didn't have friends, crying because the other kids wouldn't include me, or play with me. Looking back now, knowing what I know, I realise that I was a miniature version of my mother, getting upset at every little 'injustice' (or so I perceived) that went against me. In hindsight, I think I actually did have lots of friends that wanted to play with me, actually - scrap that, I know I had friends that wanted to play with me, but that wasn't enough, I wanted everyone to 'want' me because if not everyone wanted me, then no one did. This was the story I was taught - the same way we are taught to say 'please and thank you' - so I was just enacting the lesson's and examples from my mother in real-life.
Now watch the real shit hit the fan - enter adult relationships (I wish blog's had sound effects, this one would go something like 'dun dun dunnnnn'). I've only had three meaningful relationships as an adult, the first was a massive 6 months long (whoa!) the other two I married (and if you have missed that memo here's a quick recap. I was married before my marriage now, we had two kids, it's a long story, there are heaps of other blogs on it, you should read them... done!). My adult relationships were a mess, they mostly involved me thinking sex was a tool and that in order to be 'wanted' I had to use that tool. But it turns out, that using meaningless sex to feel wanted has the complete opposite effect, you feel worse. You feel lonely, used, ashamed, empty... I had no idea, at all, how to communicate with men, how to feel confident around them, how to just be myself or how to be valued. I had no idea, because in all honesty, I didn't know what any of that was... I just wanted to be liked, I just wanted someone to want me, to really desire me.
Crazy thing is, when I got it, I self sabotaged... (this is where the epiphany comes in)
I was reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book 'The Universe Has Your Back' and got to the part where you do a meditation on what you want your life to look like. I envisioned my fit, healthy, toned body, feeling light, bouncy and free. I then got taken on path, I went deeper into the meditation, I asked the question 'why? Why do I only put on weight when I'm in a relationship, how do I fix it?' The answer came to me. 'You have always been and felt unwanted and anytime you are wanted, which you are in a relationship, you self sabotage and put on weight, because you believe that makes you undesirable. It worked with you first husband, and you were able to use that story to justify breaking up with him. However this time is different, your husband now loves you regardless of how you look and you don't know how to handle that. You ARE wanted, for the first time in your life and you have encased your body in protection because for 33 + years the story of your life has been 'you are unwanted'). Now do you understand why it slapped me in the face? The raw and real reality that I only struggle with weight when I have a partner is because I am subconsciously self sabotaging to continue to feel unwanted because all my life that is the story I have been told and told myself.
Yes it's crazy - I see that now... but the craziest thing is - I'm not along in this! There are soooo many people who experience this type of thing. Either they are overweight and don't understand why - they 'yo-yo' diet, they 'do all the right things' and never seem to be able to shift the weight, it's because it's emotional, you need to deal with the root cause first in order to get the eating and exercise right. There are so many people who suffer in silence with feelings of being unwanted and they never understand why. There are people who struggle in relationships and wonder 'what's wrong with me?' Nothing, there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to be aware of the stories you are telling yourself and then change that story, go into the discomfort and change. And this is exactly what I've done! I've made a conscious decision that this won't be my story anymore, I straight away made changes. I moved my phone from beside my bed to my bathroom, so I would have to physically have to get up for my alarm, so I didn't touch my phone just before going to sleep, so I didn't grab my phone and scroll as soon as I woke up, so I didn't have notifications disturbing me all hours of the night. I watched the sunrise this morning, while writing this blog and enjoyed a ceremony cacao while doing it. The most beautiful thing though - today is a new month, in a new financial year and the one time I checked my phone it had '5:55' as the time, signalling change.
I don't have to protect myself anymore, I have cut the ties with that story. I am wanted, and anyone that doesn't want to be in my presence is missing out, not me.
~ Aimee x
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