Please stop asking if I'm 'going to have another one'... it breaks me.•
Posted on June 10 2019
If you are a mother, you will have no doubt been asked the question: 'When are you going to have another one?'
Even more so when you have multiple kids of the same sex... In my case, I have three boys and I get asked ALL THE TIME - 'are you going to try for a girl?' add a whole other level to that when people INSIST, 'Oh you have to try for a girl.'
Number 1: I'm happy with three boys - they are super cool!
Number 2: sure, you carry it for 38 weeks (I've never made it past 38 weeks) and get fat and sore and feel like crap for me and I will 'have anther one'
Number 3: I make sick babies...
Which brings me straight to my main point... I make sick babies...
I prayed, I envisioned, I hoped - that Kallen wouldn't have Hirschsprung's (HD) as well. All I wanted to do when he was born was change his first poo nappy! When he first came out screaming the house down I thought, 'ok, this is good... Lukas didn't cry and he was taken away for suction and oxygen, this is good...' Kallen had a really good first feed and I almost (almost) relaxed.
Looking back now, I think I knew the entire time that I was pregnant, like something was just telling me - be prepared, it's going to happen again. We checked with all the doctors first, we made sure I had the right supplements on board before we tried, I had the blood tests done, we did everything possible to try to avoid having another baby with HD.
When Kallen was sleepy, and doing little vomits and refusing feeds I kept saying, 'It's ok, it was a long birth, he's just tired... he will feed.' I think the person I was trying to convince 'it was all ok' was myself. Then I noticed his belly was distended... It was like someone reached their hand into my chest and squeezed my heart. I made the phone call to the nurse saying 'I think the pediatrician needs to come see him.' When the doctor came to our room, he looked at me with empathy, he knew it, I knew it, we all knew it... We were living the nightmare again. The hand that was holding my heart smashed it into a million pieces. The doctor took Kallen to the nursery and I cried in intense physical pain. I prayed this wouldn't happen, WHY, why do we have to do this again?! I didn't want him to hurt the way Lukas did, it wasn't fair. I made him this way - it was all my fault... I cried the hardest I've ever cried, I cried so much - my whole body shook. At that moment in time I wondered what I had done wrong, why does my beautiful baby have to go through this. It hurt. It hurt so much.
I sat in Kallen's hospital room looking like a zombie, the same machines, the same beeping, the same anxious wait. There is nothing, NOTHING in life more gut wrenching than having a sick baby. All you can do is sit and watch as doctors and nurses prod and poke them and make decisions that can literally affect whether they live or die. Not knowing how bad it is, is the hardest part. 15 months in and we still don't know how bad it is and won't know until Kallen can toilet train. I still shake my head in disbelief, I can't believe it happened the first time, let alone the second.
One of the harshest realities I faced was after I said I might like another baby to the gynecologist that I had a consultation with, to get my tubes tied. He said to me 'You shouldn't have any more babies, there's obviously something that you have that causes this.' He was being honest and it tore me to shreds. What if I wanted another baby... what if it didn't happen again... what if next time we were lucky and avoided it? I was crushed. The option was no longer mine, this was a doctor saying 'no more' to me and I didn't want that - I wanted to be the optimist.
So now, when people ask when I'm having another one, or insist that I should try for a girl or worse, when they joke around about it - it breaks my heart a little more... because, I'd love another baby. My kids are so bloody cute - why wouldn't I want another one? I just don't want to put another baby through HD, I couldn't sit in another hospital room watching my child go through that either.
We are so lucky to have healthy, happy and thriving kids! Our lives are blessed with them and although I want to take away the experiences and the pain for the boys, I wouldn't have life any other way. The experiences we have had, have made us stronger, more appreciative, patient and compassionate. There are many, many people who never get to experience bringing a child into the world, so regardless of the trauma - I'm grateful we've got them.
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