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Mum, I forgive you.

Written by Aimee Hair

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Posted on October 03 2019

For little girls, our Mum's are our best friends...
Well, at least they are supposed to be. For me, I thought my Mum was my best friend. I thought that she always had my best interests at heart. I thought she was the best person in the world... so why then was I so miserable; why was I in so much emotional pain?
My mum would always say 'thank god I have you' which at the time I thought was coming from a good place, a place of peace, a place where she was genuinely happy that I had impacted her life in a positive way. It wasn’t until I was into my late 20’s that I realised the intent in this phrase.
I was my mother’s emotional sounding board, I was the shield that she hid behind because the world, the truth - was too scary to face.

My earliest memory of my mother is from when I was in Kindergarten. I was three years old, and I can still see it - vividly. As you walk in the main entrance to the kindy, through a large glass door, there are pigeonhole bag racks on the left, the office on the right and then a large open plan area behind the office. The little mini toilets, 4 or 5 of them were in a bathroom that was behind the wall where the bag racks are. My Mum was standing at the bag rack, talking with Mrs Covolo, the kindy teacher that I adored. I don’t remember what I had done, I was mucking up somehow, and Mrs Covolo was filling Mum in on it. The look in my mother’s eyes said it all. She looked at me like I the naughtiest child there and her biggest disappointment. My mother had a habit of over dramatizing EVERYTHING - absolutely every little minor infringement was the most terrible thing anyone could ever do as far as her reaction told. I can remember standing in our carport when we had arrived home, I was crying and hurting so badly from the way she had treated me (the entire car ride home she scalded me), there I was, tears pouring out of my eyes, my mother turned away from me, making it quite clear that what ever I had done deserved just about as much punishment as murder and walked away from me. She left me there, withholding her love from me, because at that time - according to her – what I had done was so bad that I didn’t deserve to be loved...

My Mum got pregnant with my sister when she was 17, and in ‘those day’s’ it was a BIG ‘no-no’ to get pregnant without being married. When Mum was 5 months pregnant with my sister, her and Dad got married, her parents were so disappointed with her that they refused to go to the wedding. Two years after my sister was born, my brother came into the world and then 13 years later, little ole me entered the world. Yep, I was a ‘pill baby,’ I was never supposed to be here - as my Mum would often say to me - but the universe had other intentions and made sure I made it into existence…

Mum had gone from being a child, to having a child and then 2 other's, and didn’t have the opportunity to experience growing into an adult - life forced it upon her. I mean, can you image being 17, married, having a baby and your parents have disowned you? How tough that would have been? Unfortunately for my Mum, she lacked the skills, the tools and the courage to be able to create a life that she felt successful and happy in. The life she found herself in instead was dark, bitter and resentful, which reflected onto all three of us children.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my life wasn’t all terrible, but it wasn’t all great either. I didn’t have a healthy upbringing, my parents had a toxic relationship, my mother was a negative and depressive person, it’s actually surprising I have turned out the way I have. I’ve only recently come to realise that my life has played out very much in a similar way to my mother’s and the reason for that was the universe sent me here to fix what she had the potential to, but wasn’t strong enough for. 

A lot of my memories with my mother, are sad ones. I remember her crying a lot, I remember intensely feeling her pain, I remember trying hard to motivate her and trying to make her happy. I also remember being her emotional punching bag. I think Mum saw so much of herself in me and she was so scared that I would live the sad life that she had lived. She didn’t know how to handle that, how to combat it or how to deal, so she did all she knew how to, shut down, remove love, and coat in shame.

It took looking into myself and my own mistakes for me to have the profound realisation that my Mum only did what she knew. She didn't know any different because she never had the opportunity to learn any different. She couldn't parent my brother, sister and I the best possible way, because she simply did the best she could with the tools and knowledge that she had available to her.

I haven't spoke to my mother in 3 years... She won't take my calls or messages. She lives with a horrible man who has taken advantage of her in her situation and has alienated her from her kids. I wish now, just like I always have that my Mum could see that she has potential for a better life... I wish I could help her change and make the most of the life she has left to live. But the only person who can make a change in someone is themselves. You can never ask or make someone change. Change comes from within; change comes from realising where you went wrong and correcting; change comes from a deep personal place where you say 'enough is enough' with your old life and go on to live a life that you feel content in. I wish she can find peace and love within herself. 

Mum, I forgive you. I know you tried very hard. You had a choice in the way you treated me and you chose what you knew... ultimately the way you treated me has landed me here, so I am thankful for that. I wouldn't be the exceptional mother that I am without you; I wouldn't be as determined as I am without you; I wouldn't have the deep energetic connection that I have if it wasn't for you... So thank you. You didn't get to change the world - but because of you, I WILL!

 

~ Aimee xx