I know what it's like... but I promise it gets better!•
Posted on October 10 2019
I know what you are going through. You feel like everything is up to you to do, you get no support, no help, you are tired, you feel flat, you're lonely (but oddly have people around you)... I know all about it, I've been there. I used to lay in bed some nights when my ex was away at work and even though I was so tired - I couldn't get to sleep. My mind was off in fairyland wondering where this magical life that I dreamed of was... wondering how did I get here? The nights that he was home I was even lonelier - completely disconnected from the person laying next to me in my bed.
Every day felt the same, get up, chase after kids, get covered in their food, not get dressed until 10am, struggle to get out of the house and sometimes not even want to get out of the house. I longed for the free hours in the middle of the day when they would nap and I could have a moment to myself and then when they would go to bed at night time so I could just sit... except there was a house to tidy, washing and dishes to get done. It seemed never ending and thinking back over it now makes me revisit that pain I felt.
I always knew there was so much that I could achieve... but HOW!? How could I make it all happen. It seemed like everything I started flopped, I would get so much excitement and energy to go into what I thought was going to be 'it' and I would crumble a few months in. I know that you feel that way too, I know you have dreams, goals, ambitions... but something is just holding you back. You keep hitting that metaphorical brick wall, being held in the same spot by the invisible anchor.
I would imagine what my life could be like, I'd picture it so vividly that it was almost like looking at it through a window, I just needed to figure out how to get to the other side of that glass.
The crack in the glass appeared when I had Lukas, my second born. When he was in hospital and no one quite knew what was wrong - I had hope. He was my turning point. I realised three days in while walking through the NICU waiting room that this happened for a good reason, he must have come to me for a good reason.
I started doing little things over time to make a shift in my life. I could see that if I kept doing what I was doing, I was going to keep getting what I got. So I chose to change. I chose me. I chose more for my life. The amazing thing with this was - it was a choice. We have choices every single day and the biggest choice we can make is how we are going to live our lives. How you live your life is optional. The things that you do that contribute to the life you live is 100% nothing other than the choices you are making.
When Lukas was one month away from turning two I made the biggest and best choice that I had ever made in my life. I left my husband, his Dad. The anchor that was holding me back, the brick wall that I kept smashing into - was him, our relationship, and choosing to leave freed me. The reason I couldn't move forward was because I was in a toxic hold with him.
The only way you can ever achieve the things you dream of in your life is to make changes and choose to chase them. And if you are with someone who isn't wanting to chase those same dreams and goals then you need to set yourself free.
I've been where you are and look how happy I am now! I went from being miserable, feeling sorry for myself and only dreaming of better things, to actually choosing and chasing them! You can have this life too, you just need to choose it! You just need to make a change, be brave, follow that gut instinct, you deserve a life as beautiful as you are... Stop living a grey, boring life that you are miserable in and go live in the amazing colours of happiness and achievement! I am here for you, each and every step of the way. I have your back - you can do this!!!
'You've got this, girlfriend!'
~ Aimee xx
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