I am free!•
Posted on June 21 2019
He looked at me, screwed up his nose and said 'It's just not a turn on.' - He was talking about my pregnant body...
Never. In. My. Life. have I suffered from severe body issues... until I was pregnant with my first son. I always imagined the day I discovered I was pregnant would be one of the most exciting days of my life. I pictured happy tears, the tightest most loving embrace, him looking at me like I was the most amazing creation to walk the earth because I was having his baby. Instead what I got was a vague and uninterested 'are you sure' over the phone, followed by 'I can't talk about this right now, I have to go to work.' I felt like I had done something wrong, like it was a mistake and my fault that I got pregnant. Later that night when he got home from work, he sat in his usual spot on the couch, turned on the TV, disconnected from me (ok, hang on hang on... let me break away from this for a second - pardon my wording, but WHAT THE ACTUAL F' WAS I THINKING PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT!? GRRRR I see it now, but far out, I was so naive back then! Anyway, back to my story) and sat like a sad sack and said to him 'so, what do you think... you're going to be a Daddy.' his response: 'I don't know what to think. I don't know how I feel about it.' Stab. me. straight. in. the. heart.
Up until pregnancy I had a rocking body, actually you know what, screw his opinion, I rocked pregnancy too! However up until pregnancy I didn't have stretch marks, my boobs sat perfectly perkily on my chest all plump and 'fun bouncy' and my belly definition was on point and no sign of sagging skin anywhere! From an early age I knew I had a great body, I worked hard for it and I was proud of the way I looked. I got in a bikini any chance I could get and I loved doing all the model comps around town. I think the day I found out I was pregnant was the day my vein ex-husband realised he was losing 'the hot body' and I was going to be a mother... and look like one too.
My eldest son is seven now, SEVEN! So it has been almost 8 years of not loving my body. Of listening to my stupid ex's opinion of my 'not a turn on' pregnant body, which then turned into 'I just don't have a sex drive' when he looked at my postpartum body.
Actually, you know what he said to me after I had my eldest... I was struggling to lose weight and I had a little skirt that I LOVED so I hung it up in my room on display as motivation to lose the baby weight. He said to me, when I lost the weight and I could wear that skirt again, he would 'rape me' because I would look 'good' again in his opinion...
I was falling further and further out of love with myself and I was a very broken person when I finally had enough courage and strength to dump him and walk away.
When I met my Dion, he fixed my emotional wounds. He loves me, ME, all of me! He loves my body, he is proud of what I have achieved with my body and the way that man looked at me when I told him I was pregnant was with nothing but pure excitement, wonder and LOVE!
I read in 'Daring Greatly' by Brene' Brown that you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. I love my husband to pieces! So what I have done to help me love myself again, is I have started saying that I love myself the way I love Dion. I check him out in all his sexiness ALL THE TIME, so I have started to look at myself the same way. Don't get me wrong - this isn't easy... it takes practice to look at yourself and not screw up your nose and remark 'ew,' but I am getting better. Every time I find myself negatively talking about myself, I catch it and I change the words or expressions I am using, I correct myself and say the right words, not the wrong ones.
I have started to put myself in positions that make me uncomfortable so I can learn, move forward and ultimately - get comfortable. There is no progress or achievement in comfort, for everything that is comfortable we have already achieved, you must get uncomfortable if you want to gain new success!
I am free from the shackles of negative self talk that I allowed my ex to place on me. I am free from the hating my body and I'm learning to love it! I am free from the vulnerabilities that were holding me back from living my best life! I am FREE!
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